Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
Circus confirmed... Jello shots before 9 pm are not cocktails for sucess
Can I use cash for clunkers to trade in her boobs for a new set of 18 year old tits?
Its worth a shot.
I'm half bulimic - I binge but forget to purge
i dont know, i woke up and he was going down on me. i guess i can save his number
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
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