The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
i think 'regret' was last night's theme. i could taste it in my mouth and woke up next to it.
She can't keep using her latex allergy as an excuse to go bareback with everyone.
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
Daquari drive throughs 24 hours a day. LORD HAVE MERCY
Tomorrow is Have Sex and Climb A Mountain Day. We have amazing dates.
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
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