I like to think it a success when the cops are called
i just won an entire level on word mole with the word 'clitoris'
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
our conversations pretty much only consist of the phrase 'fuck you'. and the sex is fantastic. we've got a great thing going here.
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
Randomize
