Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
I dont think problem is the right word. Problems arent something you enjoy. Life would be too boring without gambling.
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
drunken yoga. on the beach. senior week. you have been chosen <3
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
Now if u will excuse me I have to go prep my vagina for this amazing sex filled weekend I'm about to encounter
AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN
we're fated to lesbian
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
Happy 420. I woke up to a girl smoking weed and dragging me out of bed. Chemistry makes so much sense high.
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
Randomize
