There's a 34yo winking at me. Why do i find this weird when my bf is a 38yo married man?
his penis looked like arnold from hey arnold. it was interesting.
i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
tequila makes me forget i have legs
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
Yes. Amanda is the only option and I want cake so I can sacrifice my vagina.
No shame December is a go.
I may be bringing home two guys tonight. I'f they won't go for a double-team you can have the lanky one.
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
Randomize
