I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
I'm not sure if what i'm hearing downstairs is sex or not, but if it is, it sounds like there's a dog involved...i'm mildly concerned.
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
The family from the blindsided came and talked to us last night. The dad owns 68 taco bells. You would have been so inspired
Also, I'd like to add that that I'm not quitting my job, my boss fed me shots at 11 am this morning.
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
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