My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
He famously once noted that women should wear white "like all other domestic appliances,"
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
We blazed in her bathtub. All 5 of us. Not easy bro
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
Let me put it this way - if I had a list of things I would like between my legs, she would rank below the cello I turned into firewood sophomore year.
You pretty much lost your mind. Your ego has gotten ten time the size of your balls.
All he gave me was a sore vagina and film suggestions
Uhmm, it's called hentai.
I DON'T CARE WHAT IT'S CALLED I DON'T WANT TO SEE IT ON MY WORK COMPUTER
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
Already drunk, almost got in a fight with a bunch of irish chicks. And another with canadians. On my way to get a tattoo. I plan to regret this trip.
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
Randomize
