3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
He talked me into making a sex video, no worries though, I was wearing sunglasses.
Lets just say I chased with a burrito.
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
Randomize
