no more stoned jack in the box. this is the third night in a row.
At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
she must wash her vagina with a dirtier vagina
not sure what i find more disconcerting, your text or the fact that i recognized that as a dane cook quote
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
I look like a poor person in the cast of Gay Oliver.
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
I can neither confirm or deny any bear related allegations right at this time.
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
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