Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
yes he does come on. what guy wouldnt want his penis named after a dragon
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
So i know i said I'm turning over a new leaf, but i met a guy with a dick piercing. I have to sleep with him. For science.
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
ABOUT TO MAKE THE BIGGEST MISTAKE OF MY LIFE, SEND HELP
Have fun and good luck.
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
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