Don't bone anyone, just think of ur vibrator lol
HHaaaaaaaaa mmmmn vibrator
he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
You kept hugging the big bouncer & feeling the other ones beard
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
My dick hurts from so many people grabbing it last night. We're not going back to that club
You're only allowed to hookup with one freshman a semester. MAKE IT COUNT.
We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
Randomize
