Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
I've had a Margarita with salt, but I have to say I was impressed by the Stoli and Sprite rimmed with adderall
He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
They came over the loud speaker and said "no laying on the dance floor.." I thought i was dancing, but apparently that's just the way it started out.
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
I remember 2 things. 1. Hanging through the window. 2. And she needing a bucket to puke in. That’s all. I have no other memory.
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