I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
definitely fulfilled the lesbian status quo and fucked her in the back seat of my prius
I'm more concerned with the fact that he was UNconcerned that live poultry could peck him in the nutsack @ any moment of sex
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
If you do wifi you would be helping my penis out & real friends care about their friends penises...
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
Sorry, It's like OkCupid Olympics... categories: best sext, best dick pic, and most effort by ugly. You won gold in the last event if that makes you feel better.
I'm developing all these feelings it's disgusting.
I'm just blindly tossing my dick into whatever comes my way.
Executive decision.... we are cuddling naked
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
Randomize
