they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
Yeah it'll definitely be worth it. Not having syphilis all the time you know
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
I sent him a pic of my tits and he said "Word." I need a drink.
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
their motto was "the first one to get arrested wins" so of course today was interesting
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
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