i permit you to call me
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
Based on the pics I have taken of hookups while they were passed out or sleeping, I have scientifically concluded that no two vagina lips are the same. They are like snowflakes.
hung over. covered in somebodies makeup. and ready to drink.
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
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