Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
I am the poster child for what not to do during sex. Soon they will be calling an undesired position after me
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
Your cock deserves a montage
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
i was on the fire escape while he ate me out for a while before i realized he had shut the door behind us and locked us out and i proceeded to climb down the stairs and climb back into the party through the window.
i can only hope to be on your level one day.
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
Okay so as of now, we may either be coming for one night, two nights, or not at all this weekend. It depends on Laura's toe and if I get my period. Will explain later
Randomize
