I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
You deserve yourself a blunt and a build a bear.
The guy I fucked last night is well worth up the ass tuition. I just wish I could tell dad thanks!
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
They high fived mid Eiffel Tower, then we all proceeded to talk about how our friendship is much stronger now. I'd say a successful first threesome.
But think about it. I could put her gold medal around my penis
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
Randomize
