Banned from zoo.
Again?
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
He honestly told me my belt was "supercute" when we started hooking up. I would be the girl to find the only straight man in the world that uses the word "supercute".
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
I was scared I had HIV after last time so I'm not gonna do it again
But he was really hot
Glad you don't have HIV
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
He? As in you personified your dick?
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
I'm having to shit out rocks
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
Randomize
