trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
im failing my bio class b/c he booty calls me wednesday nights at 6 like clockwork
That is correct. I did in fact somehow pass out in the tanning booth for over an hour. And yes the attendant did have to open it up and shake me awake.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
It's only slutty if you don't have his number. Unless there's a full moon. Then anything goes.
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
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