i wokr up in ohio with no clothes. i think someone gave me ecstacy. can you come find me please it's cold.
this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
he was wearing 3D glasses the whole time.
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
If there was a saddle on his sack, she would ride it.
Hahahaha who is sleeping in the garage on our beer pong table?
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
I'm horny too so maybe we will both recap our regrets on Sunday
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
Randomize