The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
He kept screaming "it's so seductive" while he was humping the wall
he broke up with her mid blow job, and somehow convinced her to finish. I want his life
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
I had this image of some guy in a taco truck down by the IMA accosting you for a peep show.
Last time i was there we saw the window of the pizza place we were at get busted, we were pulled out of a taxi to be questioned by the cops, and we peed outside a waffle house. I'm in.
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
It's cool dude. The dank is in the form of premade smores with honey grahm crackers, marshmallow cream and 420 brand choc. bars. NV weed laws have nothing on me.
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
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