i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
in case you blackout.. this is confirmation that yes, you were sitting spread eagle on the kitchen floor chugging pickle juice out of the jar.
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
You got kicked out after 30 minutes, 3 beers and 2 shots. Group record. Also you kept rubbing his belly and calling him buddha.
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
Kinda. I got kicked outta the bar, and then incited a riot until the cops came and I bailed
momentary stint on a second floor library computer...guy next to me snorted blue adderall off his notebook through a cut straw, i cant tell if this guy is my hero or just plain crazy...
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Randomize
