Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
No - a douche bag is not a fashion accessory. They do not make Gucci Douchebags
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
Randomize
