I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
Currently in the bathroom stall of a gay bar in new haven giving myself an anti throw up pep talk
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
You should help rebuild my confidence with your dick. Altruism: Pass it on.
I just wanna have sex and go to Denny's after is that too much to ask for.
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
I am no longer embarassed by my vagina
It concerns why you would be in the first place, but I'd rather not know
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
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