Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
He walked in AS I was cumming. Now even my father knows I'm a squirter.
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
It's 4/20 of course I'm going to smoke in the portapotty and be ripped outta my mind at the lung cancer walk.
Are there any rules against fucking the hot TA?
Maybe for her....
Her problem, not mine
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
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