Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
I remember just enough about last night to wish I didn't remember anything.
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
is buying liquor on my lunch break too aggressive?
How old am I that I had to sneak a boy out of my room this morning...
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
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