sorry I missed your bday party.,I was vid chatting with that new guy I'm talking to all night...happy biirthday though
who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
I am wasted and people are fist pumping. This should not happen on the west coast.
i wanna anger bang this girl behind me at work. she never shuts up with her annoying voice. but her boobs are phenom.
i normally make it a rule to leave when white people start rapping... but they had blow.
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
its hard to say precisely how it happened, but the next thing i knew i was on top of a mountain
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
Randomize
