drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
"Let's chug a beer then make out" doesn't sound as nice, but it would prob make him cum right there.
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
his butt looks cute in my panties so i decided he has to wear panties all the time from now on.
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
He tripped and fell all the way to the ground and then stood right back with out spilling a drop of his 3/4 full glass of rum and coke. It was like watching something from the matrix
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