Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
I really need to stop carrying a flask around with me in my backpack at school..
Aren't you in 8th grade?
9th, but that's not the point.
operation have a gay friend backfired
Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
last night I used snow as a chaser
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
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