went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
It didn't go so well. He got drunk and asked my dad if 'front or back' virginity mattered more.
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
At least I will not still be rolling when I pick up this animal. Thats a good development in five years
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
He fucks like those drill things that you see when you think of texas
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
There. Isnt. A. Single. Person. Who. Is. Not. High. At. Church.
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
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