Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
She is a fish and this place is a barrel. I can play this game.
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
bad news.. campus security walked me home last night and when i tried to tell them where i lived they assured me they knew where our house was.
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
Get to the bar now. Ryan is single again and every skank on campus that has heard story about his dick is circling like a shark. A cock hungry shark
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
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