he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
During the middle of giving him head, he flashes his phone and says "I like to watch."
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
I never thought I could be this turned on by a man wearing racoon tails.
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
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