Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
They peed on our pledges last night... i dont know if i should put an lol at the end of that or not
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
So everything was good he was big spoon I was little spoon and then I got peed on
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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