Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
Dude, we totally smoked up inside a church organ last night. Add this to the epic list.
The camp director doesn't care if we drink and i'm running the rifle range. Someone is going to get sued.
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
It's been two whole weeks and I haven't missed a single class. I deserve 69 blunts.
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
im on a boat
How did you get this number?
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