I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
I am not hooking up with him just to see what his penis looks like.
Omg i either met the gayest dude ever or my next boyfriend
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
Bjs and tacos. That's my life.
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
Is there such thing as a tasteful dick pic? I think I just got one if they exist.
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
Randomize
