I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
We are hot boxing the gondola
I hate everything.
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
you were on a whole other level. you went home with him because he said "you got some light ass eyes"
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
Randomize
