I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
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