I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
I think theres a high possibility i could be flammable.
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
I blame her lesbian super powers of coercion.
Randomize
