Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
This guys mom bought us a 24 pack and drove me and 8 others to a frat house... Hello moms weekend.
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
Just saw a dude walk out of the parking. Garage in a diaper and tutu. He had a handle in one hand and a toy bow in the other
LOL its 11 am
his basement wasnt heated so when i asked for a hoodie someone gave me a kimono.. i passed bc who the fuck knows where that shit has been recently
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
Can we just talk about how the only thing I have on my camera from this weekend is a video of you putting your whole fist in your mouth hahahha
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
Randomize
