I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
yeah, we don't understand. the wings losing for guys is like girls finding objects in their body..just weird and sad
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
We are not buying weed off a guy from the internet.
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
Good luck. While you're suffocating on a dick, I'll be eating pizza rolls. Being a good girl.
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
Randomize
