There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
Steve just broke his bong and some kid in an american flag bathing suit and no shirt just fell down the stairs. Its dangerous here
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
HIGH AS FUCK. JUST WATCHED THE TRIPPIEST VIDEO EVER. IM NOT SCARED OF PANDAS. I GOTTA GO. TRIPPIN AGAIN
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
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