I hate your face
i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
Not me. I think "beastiality" sounds pretty classy.
Some asshole just brought BK into my summer class, im already high as hell, i did not need another way to not pay attention
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
hey tell your friend im sorry for licking his mouth, that was probably inappropriate
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
right after that u started calling me g-force and started trying to bellyslide down his drive way
Randomize
