I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
she pinky promised me she was 18
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
I may puke in class so I'm excited to see how that goes
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
RAAAAAAAAWWWWRRRRRR
THATS ME HOWLING MY ENJOYMENT OF THE THINGS WE CAN DO WHILE GETTING DRUNK
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
How'd things go with that guy last night?
He threw up in the consol in my car then started crying about his ex girlfriend.
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
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