working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
Sure. But we have to be quiet.
Ninja mode activated
Two days later and my throat is still sore. That bong is a double edged sword.
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
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