Excuse me do you have gonnorhea?
someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
Haven't sucked a dick since mid December. In crisis mode.
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
Randomize
