your horoscope this morning...very interesting...good luck today
She's the rare girl who loses weight and gets uglier.
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
Either seal the deal or get out of the room, I don't want to hide in this closet anymore
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
Exactly. So you're exempt under the "I can't just fuck her to make it go away" clause of 2010.
K, im gonna wait to get my dick pierced so we can do it as a family function.
I mean your new thing is losing body parts and feeling colors so its not like we are hurting for entertainment
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
Randomize
