I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
We all told you to throw up but you just stuck your head in the toilet and screamed..
i would have thought, that you two being my best friends, one of you would have atleast tried to catch me before i hit the ground after blacking out.
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
It was like giving head to a cactus.
I just want to be able to run around naked and eat grass with no judgments and have people feed me and expect me to sleep all the time.
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
i may have just googled 'is philly rioting right now'
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she cant stop having the shits.
Randomize
