i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
there should be a relationship option on facebook "stillllll in a relationship"
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
1. Are there men involved 2. Is there food involved 3. Do I have to put pants on 4. Do I have to leave this bed
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
Randomize
