hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
Spotted at kelly concert- 10 year old in a homemade "I do not hook up" t shirt. Well I should certainly hope not, sweetheart.
how many days can you live off of Vicodin and frosty?? im going on 4 days......
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
I rocked my own world, he was just a prop.
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
I'm studying. I have a really exciting life lol
It's hard to say that sarcastically after having sex in a movie theater
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