the chick doesn't look like she's put anything in her mouth for weeks other than his dick.
Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
Is a 'Dr. Willy Fister Gynecologist' costume appropriate for work?
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
I can't go to Fassler and not immediately think about you licking a guys wife's butthole in the family restroom
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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