So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
You really need to get over the whole "jail" thing. Its really not that bad.
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
Don't come. It's not even a party it's a total sausage fest. Like 20 drunk dudes in a bedroom. We can still drink by ourselves though it'll be ok
I just realized that in 3 weeks it becomes sad if I make everything into a drinking game. Fuck growing up
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
Well puke fest 2014 just happened
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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