Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
If I have put a neon “vacancy” sign on my skirt for him to get the picture I will.
Randomize
