Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
I hope this adventure ends at a hospital
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
Randomize
