you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
Whiskey + Water + Crystal Lite does NOT = refreshing summer time drink.....
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
I knew it was a good Wednesday night when I woke up tucked in to NOT my own bed with my beer helmet, an empty bottle of Jose, and a trash can placed in front of my face.. Happy 20th!
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
Shit dude that sort of wholesale destruction can't just be done at the drop of a hat
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
Randomize
