we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
I really think we need to get on this Charlie Sheen bandwagon
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
Randomize
