The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
she'd have to be at LEAST a cup size bigger for me to even consider putting up with her voice
wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
He texted back and said he would hook up if he didn't have a test at 8am. It's really hard to be annoyed by how good of a student he is.
Yeah that sucks. That's why I stick to deadbeat sports management majors.
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
i would compare it to sliding down a velcro-covered fireman's pole naked. no more bearded men for me.
It is clearly not my fault that you decided studying was more important than trying to bang our hot teacher for an A, so I seized the opportunity.
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
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