i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
when you agree to fuck a guy it does by NO means make it okay for his roommate to hide in the closet with doritos and watch
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
I just ran into mom and dad day drinking at the bar while I skipped class and was day drinking at the same bar.
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
She's on her period. You don't know what fear is.
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
Imma make him fuck me with my jersey on tonight while I chant Go Jets Go. Gotta love playoff hockey szn.
Randomize
