But I don't consider them one night stands. They're auditions.
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
well you haven't lived until you've been 86'ed from a family restaraunt
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
It is very possible that having sex with you just now just got me into Yale
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
this is an emotional support booty call
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
Randomize
