Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
I found out that all you need to write a 12 page paper is adderall and twizzlers
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
whose ass print is on the piano?
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
Ive never seen a drunk man get suplexed before last week, now its the standard requirement every time we go out.
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.
Wow. I hope you were either doing that in your sleep or blacked out. You threw up then covered yourself in duct tape... i wish i got that on camera
yeah i ran into him at the bar at 11pm. he started talking about engineering and the next thing i know it's 4am and i'm naked on top of him.
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
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