it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
why does he think he needs to feed/take me out to get some ass? we are at a bar wasting my fucking time
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
Randomize
