she is unbelievable! ever pee on a girl?
not while she was awake
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
I'm back in the dating scene now... Since the legality issue calmed down. And my stalking charges were dropped.
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
the girl next to me was drawing sonic the hedgehog on her exam what the fuck
godspeed
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
Randomize
