awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
i just made a girl do the walk of shame. as a bumblebee. i love halloween.
Defiantly just threw away our yearly bottle collection in front of the campus tour. The school should pay me for recruitment
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
at least you know where his tattoos end, so it wasn't a complete waste of time.
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
I think my favorite day of the week is the day we get to fuck
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
